What's the Point?
I think I have to take a break from consciousness work/shadow work/whatever work I've ben doing or at least seriously rethink the way I've been doing it. My problem is that I find myself totally immersed in all sorts of childhood trauma and other unpleasant experiences without coming up for air. I've had this logic that says that the more I spend underwater in the deep sea, pondering and thinking and remembering and in pain, the better, and soon I will be purified.
It hasn't always been this way. I remember Abraham Hicks say ”there is no bottom” in their audios so many times and for a long time I lived avoiding all this pain, thinking if there is no bottom, what's the point. (The phrase refers to the impossibility to ever go through all of trauma, as its amount is infinite.)
Then came along Teal Swan, who – along with couple others – said that shadow work is important and childhood trauma should not be avoided by spiritual bypassing and fabricated positivity.
Down I went the other way. I became worried that I was one of these spiritual passers-by who avoid all their pain. So I delved into it.
Then, lately, I've grown so fed up with the spiritual community and by that I mean my spiritual community and the way I've incorporated spirituality in my life.
I've become obsessed with how I think spirituality should be. I've developed a bunch of silly rules. Rules, like...
Rules make me miserable, which doesn't really go with the message of following my bliss. I find myself confused, angry, pissed-off and downright exhausted from all the making-my-life-so-much-better.
I look at all the ”low-consciousness” people and wonder why they seem so happy. I'm reminded of that joke in How I Met Your Mother, when Ted said he was happy because he felt happy, and Lily angrily replied that feeling happy does not mean that you are, in fact, happy.
It's funny, 'cause it's true. I find that so many people in the spiritual community are trying to tell me what happy is, and giving mixed signals. ”Follow you bliss”, but ”develop self-discipline”, but ”life should feel wonderful”, but ”you have to ponder this childhood trauma”, but ”always find the attitude of gratitude”, but ”don't avoid the pain and anger”, but ”follow your heart's message”, but ”this will feel very difficult and you will struggle a lot” et cetera.
I wonder if all of this should make us incredibly confused, so that we would stop listening to other people, period. I don't know about you, but I'm sick of it. I'm sick of never being good enough, always working, day and night, but never getting anything from it. I'm sick of all these rules, telling me what's good and what's bad. I'm sick of all the people telling me what I should be doing and then when I'm doing it, telling me that I'm doing it wrong.
I was happier when I didn't do so much consciousness work. I was happier when I didn't try so hard, when I sort of went with the flow and didn't take anything seriously. I hate trying too hard. It never works and it always pisses everyone off.
--
By the way, this blog is considering a make-over. I'm looking into different options, but I have a pretty clear vision of what I want. So one of these days you will come here and it will look different, but don't worry! It's still the same blog. Or is it?
It hasn't always been this way. I remember Abraham Hicks say ”there is no bottom” in their audios so many times and for a long time I lived avoiding all this pain, thinking if there is no bottom, what's the point. (The phrase refers to the impossibility to ever go through all of trauma, as its amount is infinite.)
Then came along Teal Swan, who – along with couple others – said that shadow work is important and childhood trauma should not be avoided by spiritual bypassing and fabricated positivity.
Down I went the other way. I became worried that I was one of these spiritual passers-by who avoid all their pain. So I delved into it.
Then, lately, I've grown so fed up with the spiritual community and by that I mean my spiritual community and the way I've incorporated spirituality in my life.
I've become obsessed with how I think spirituality should be. I've developed a bunch of silly rules. Rules, like...
- Internet is bad and everytime I find it entertaining I should feel guilty.
- Some ways of having fun are better than others. I have to judge people who drink, smoke, play videogames and do other ”low consciousness” stuff. I myself can never enjoy these things.
- I have to read deep and smart books that have been approved by some self-development teachers. I can never read or enjoy chick lit, for example.
- I'm entitled to be approved and supported by everyone everywhere, in every situation. If I don't get support, I have the right to get angry and call the other person non-spiritual, selfish and rude.
- The nine-to-five scheme is of the devil (Cruella de Vil) and all who participate in it are brainwashed and need to be rescued. I, myself, can never participate in it, however interesting the job may be, or however smart that choice may seem in general. I have to be ashaimed for even considering it.
Rules make me miserable, which doesn't really go with the message of following my bliss. I find myself confused, angry, pissed-off and downright exhausted from all the making-my-life-so-much-better.
I look at all the ”low-consciousness” people and wonder why they seem so happy. I'm reminded of that joke in How I Met Your Mother, when Ted said he was happy because he felt happy, and Lily angrily replied that feeling happy does not mean that you are, in fact, happy.
It's funny, 'cause it's true. I find that so many people in the spiritual community are trying to tell me what happy is, and giving mixed signals. ”Follow you bliss”, but ”develop self-discipline”, but ”life should feel wonderful”, but ”you have to ponder this childhood trauma”, but ”always find the attitude of gratitude”, but ”don't avoid the pain and anger”, but ”follow your heart's message”, but ”this will feel very difficult and you will struggle a lot” et cetera.
I wonder if all of this should make us incredibly confused, so that we would stop listening to other people, period. I don't know about you, but I'm sick of it. I'm sick of never being good enough, always working, day and night, but never getting anything from it. I'm sick of all these rules, telling me what's good and what's bad. I'm sick of all the people telling me what I should be doing and then when I'm doing it, telling me that I'm doing it wrong.
I was happier when I didn't do so much consciousness work. I was happier when I didn't try so hard, when I sort of went with the flow and didn't take anything seriously. I hate trying too hard. It never works and it always pisses everyone off.
--
By the way, this blog is considering a make-over. I'm looking into different options, but I have a pretty clear vision of what I want. So one of these days you will come here and it will look different, but don't worry! It's still the same blog. Or is it?
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